We did, we made it to the third trimester! After 8 years of trying, and 5 losses, we finally made it to the final phase! What a surreal feeling of excitement and terror. Unfortunately because of our experiences, we know all too well that just because you make it to the next phase doesn’t mean you will make it to the end.
BUT we pushed through the fears and found joy in the moments that we never thought we would be able to experience, like a baby shower!
We held our baby shower at 26 weeks and within 2 hours of our surrogate so she (and our baby) could attend. Surrogacy is a new world for us and both of our families, so we (probably) overly prepared everyone for the big day.
Here are some things we did to prepare:
- We invited our surrogate and her family so everyone could celebrate with us together.
- We came up with guidelines for our guests on how to interact with her based on what she told us she is comfortable with. For example, she was open to any questions, but did not want anyone to touch her belly unless invited by her.
- We gave her a small job so that she could be involved with the festivities.
- She sat near us at the head of the table.
- We included an option on our registry to collect funds that will go towards a gift for her and her family when the baby is born. (A lot of our guests were excited to donate, as they were so grateful for her, but didn’t know how to express their thanks.)
These things made me feel at peace with the day as I know she was excited to celebrate with us, but I was concerned she would be overwhelmed. She was amazing, and the day itself went off without a hitch!
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention how odd it felt being the star of the shower and not being pregnant. It was emotionally draining for me to open gifts and hear parenting advice when in my heart I wasn’t completely convinced that this baby would actually come to light. The biggest help with this was having our baby there, and having such a supportive surrogate who genuinely wanted to celebrate us.
If I could give advice on how to throw a proper baby shower for Intended Parents I would say:
- Ask the Intended Parents if they want to include the surrogate in the day or even the planning process
- Ask the Surrogate if she wants to be involved in the day or the planning process (if the IPs are okay with that)
- Make sure the day is all about the IPs., Do not put too much attention on the surrogate as to take away the purpose of the day.
- If the surrogate is attending, ensure all guests understand proper etiquette when it comes to interacting with the surrogate.
- Provide an opportunity for guests to express their excitement and gratitude to the surrogate. Whether it’s by creating a fund to donate towards a gift or just a card for everyone to sign.
Having your surrogate at your shower is such a personal decision and it really comes down to the relationship you have created with her. Our amazing surrogate has been clear from Day 1 that she is doing this for us and our chance at being parents. She has celebrated with us for every milestone (big and small) through our journey. But our experience isn’t for everyone. There is nothing wrong with not having your surrogate at your shower. Your shower is about you and your baby, so do what feels right for you!
